Who Should Direct "Star Wars 7"

I will be upfront, when I heard that Star Wars got bought by Disney, I was kind of bummed out. It has been quite a life having to associate with nerds that have kept three moderately good sci-fi films alive. To have it come back would be a welcome change if it wasn't for numerous things, notably that we have Star Wars Detours coming out as well as the Blu Ray release last year as well as numerous other news about Star Wars that has kept Star Wars into the popular consciousness. I will not get into the arguments about why I dislike the franchise and feel that the marketing has tarnished the movie, but I will throw out my votes for who should direct Star Wars 7 and can make an interesting movie. Before I begin, you may ask yourself: is this a joke? In a sense, yes, but it is no more ridiculous than saying your favorite directors are up for the job.

When coming up with this list, I began to look at what I feel essentially would make an interesting and fun film. Sure, you have directors that have more conventional styles that fit. You have your Steven Spielbergs, Christopher Nolans and Guillermo Del Toros. Those are all well and good, but they are ridiculous. These rumors need to stop. My list is not to be taken seriously, but instead try and broaden your horizon long enough to realize that this whole thing is stupid and that yes, out of the box directors are just as capable as Spielberg on doing this project.

Sam Peckinpah

Let's face it. I know that he died a long time ago, but at this point, his consideration is not that far fetched. Think about it, his violent, sexist nature almost seems to be worthy of an adaptation to Star Wars. It would follow in the plot's decision to be a desolate, post bad guy realm where every Jedi has to fight for himself. Also, it would be a lot more kinetic and fun to watch people die. No more being boiled down with politics! The only downside? Disney would probably replace the buckets of blood with squibs. 

Darren Aronofsky

With Black Swan, Aronofsky broke out and could do whatever he wanted. This is probably one of the least odd choices that I will make. He did make a (relatively) big budget sci-fi movie called the Fountain and his next film is Noah, which promises to be an epic. He was also signed on to do the Wolverine sequel, but that didn't fall through. However, if there is one benefit that comes out of this whole ordeal, it is the possibility that we'll get a super sad, suicidal cast of characters that end up killing themselves and ending the franchise. It may take awhile for the wounds to heal, but Aronofsky's desire to make everyone miserable is the perfect touch that this series needs.

Keenan Ivory Wayans

Who says that the director cannot be an African American? It is hard to believe, but at one point, but Wayans directed one of the most successful films by a black director: Scary Movie. His familiarity with satire has carried him through the rest of the 00's with varying degrees of success. However, since he is familiar enough with the satire and needs to make a comeback so strong to make everyone forget about Dance Flick, why not direct one of the biggest properties of all time? Bring a black voice to it and maybe make the most progressive Star Wars ever. Or at very least, bring some madcap slapstick to the table and see what happens. It worked so well before that it is impossible to see Disney pass up the opportunity to helm one of the 90's top movie satirist.

Casey Affleck

I know what you're thinking. Why not Ben Affleck? He is more successful and with Argo, he has proven himself to be a more than qualified director. No. Let him keep being a qualified director. Casey is the real rogue. Remember how much you hated Darth Vader? Well try what Casey did just a few years ago. Where Vader is a fictional character, Affleck managed to turn two time Oscar nominee Joaquin Phoenix into a much reviled villain that reached people who never saw Star Wars. Now that is impressive, also considering that it notoriously almost tanked his career. Now imagine what Affleck could do if he got a hold of a fictional character that wasn't his relative. We can turn Han Solo into a more unlikable loser and make a crossover Star Wars/I'm Still Here movie. Now that sounds brilliant. 

George Clooney

One of the most talked about moments in Star Wars history is the political angle. If you measure how consistent the conversations have been around this subject, why not bring in Clooney? While Clooney has long separated himself from blockbuster films, he did do a Spy Kids sequel, and that is only insinuating that there could be more. Why not entice him by giving him the ultimate political property: Star Wars! Clooney is a well known activist and movies like Ides of March reflect his passions. This is his chance to reach a broader audience and continue the growing pride that theater goers have in watching a sci-fi movie talk about politics for 20 minutes. At very most, he can make them more aggressive and entertaining.

Werner Herzog

Don't kid yourself. Herzog is going to be in Jack Reacher this December, so it is hard to imagine him being opposed to taking on a blockbuster. While he has been doing way more documentaries than fictional tales as of late, his energy for either can be great. He can tackle themes of nature and humanity. He can bring in Bad Lieutenant star Nicolas Cage to make another crazy story. Or at very least, he can narrate the opening scroll and turn the entire film into a melodramatic documentary. Either way, Herzog can provide an artistic craft that also is very reflective of a natural storyteller. Imagine him asking meta questions as Leia plays out her final scene in the movie. Now there is a real emotional punch.

Rich Moore

Okay, this one is equally possible, if just because Moore just made a Disney film that was a runaway success. Not only that, but it captured some nerdy themes and made it marketable. That is something that people looking at Star Wars will be looking at. If Moore is dedicated to creating a world around video games, imagine what he could do with an already established property? Wreck-It Ralph was a lot of fun and is easy to enjoy regardless on your video games stance. You know what? Don't give Rick Moore the Star Wars film. Let him make fun movies before he bogs himself down with John Carter 2 in disguise.

Clint Eastwood

So far the only question that hasn't been answered is how you can appeal universally to every demographic? Then it hits you. Why not choose legendary actor turned Oscar winning director Eastwood! At very least, his legacy will provide the older viewers to become interested in his stories that have progressively become more and more appealing to the AARP crowd. Also, these Star Wars characters are super old and interested in political issues that aren't quite comprehensive in a narrative structure. Eastwood suddenly sounds perfect! With bad make-up and a pro-geriatric agenda, Eastwood can make Star Wars into the perfect film about the characters growing old and dying. It also works, especially with Best Exotic Marigold Hotel being a runaway hit thanks to the elderly.

RZA

Now I haven't seen Man with the Iron Fists yet, but I believe that RZA could be a high flying, aggressively entertaining filmmaker. Just look at the trailer. The Wu Tang Clan rapper has long been using kung fu movies in his work and he also wrote a whole book ("Tao of Wu") that makes him seem philosophically deep. George Lucas was also a cinephile when he made Star Wars back in the day. Why not get someone who gets old school cinema and loves it enough to make his own etching into the genre? Also, it is possible that RZA knows how to choreograph a fight scene, which is crucial to keep the franchise alive. Who knows, we may even get a great theme song from him for the next one as well.

Morgan Spurlock

Oh come on, this guy is ripe for a dramatic film debut. He has tackled the tough issues like obesity and marketing and made them into entertaining, commercially viable films. He also made a movie that parodied the Star Wars title called Comic-Con: Episode IV - A Fan's Hope. As pandering as it was, it sounds more like a calling card for Spurlock to finally make that move. He knows how to entertain the masses, and what Luke Skywalker needs after three movies of dealing with bad issues is to tackle the bigger questions of life. Spurlock, being an expert, can make that a reality by turning the whole thing into a social commentary mixed with cheap laughs and a lot of facts.

Gaspar Noe

Enter the Void is a thrillingly authentic, epileptic seizure of a movie that has gotten fans including Quentin Tarantino and Ryan Gosling. That is very least a foot in the door to making the next Star Wars movie. Think about the logic, you need a filmmaker who is engaging and authentic. Also, Noe just has a breathtaking color palate to work with and is an easy addition to Star Wars when you consider that a lot of the most popular scenes left fans feeling dizzy and sick. At least with Noe, the subject matter can be as equally intriguing and unpleasant, thus adding a much needed emotional level that is often forgotten from these types of movies.

Jake Kasdan

With Walk Hard, Kasdan proved that he could cover almost any period of time in American culture, including the time when Star Wars was popular. He also has managed to make some of the more engaging music in recent comedies. Now imagine if he ambitiously took his passion and applied it to Star Wars. He could make it feature unlikable characters, like Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher, and make them despicable yet funny. We'll also get a few choice songs to progress the plot into an increasingly absurd universe. Kasdan is great at the absurd, and nothing is more-so than the legacy of Star Wars. Just listen to the lyrics and you'll see the intricacy that goes into the entire thing. Let's do it!

Jennifer Westfeldt

Oh come on, this is as on the nose as things get. Westfeldt just had a hit with Friends with Kids that looked at the possibility of raising illegitimate children. Star Wars is the exact same thing, except over the course of more time. Westfeldt managed to turn the process of raising an adopted baby into an analysis of what it meant to be a parent. She did this in one movie, where Star Wars did it in three. There is no contest, she is good at quickly telling us why parents are important. Now if she can explain issues about coping with parent's death, we are looking at a really strong seventh film. Also, we may get her husband Jon Hamm out of the deal, which should make her top priority.  

David Gordon Green

This is the comeback film that Green can knock out of the park. He has done overly dramatic stuff effectively with Snow Angels and mastered action with Pineapple Express. He's even done period pieces with Your Highness. While all differ in quality and his recent output is terrible, he can easily become a surprisingly effective choice for the franchise on the account that he knows how to make appealing douchebag characters. Han Solo is an appealing douchebag character, and with Green's help, he can reach a new level  of douchebag and make him respected by a wider audience. Green has a love for old school movies, as reflective in the numerous castle epics in Your Highness and the babysitting comedy the Sitter. His only problem now is hopefully honing in the skills and turning what he has used for comedy into drama and action. Then, we may have one of the perfect adaptations.

Karyn Kusama

Jennifer's Body may have not been the best movie imaginable, but let's face it, it was an interesting twist on the demonic high schooler. At this point, Luke Skywalker has a lot of demons to battle, and why not get Kusama to tackle them in a very graphic and fun way? She knows how to handle angst and her attention to the lore of her subjects makes her a promising candidate. At very least, it will add for eerie scenery and a story with strong yet very flawed female characters, which is something that fans have talked about a lot. It fulfills their fantasies and strengthens the narrative. Let's make it happen! Let's make Star Wars 7 into the film about dealing with emotional demons!

Alex Karpovsky

I am convinced that Lena Dunham will be bogged up with production of Girls. However, she would make the most exciting Star Wars by turning it into the sexual frustration arc that Leia and Luke so sorely need to work out. Instead, we get her co-star Karpovsky to take care of the job. He has long been a documentary satirist in the vein of Christopher Guest. He knows how to make his characters tick, and as they reach older age, he can subtly introduce a younger, more disaffected group that had to deal with the events of the past few movies. This is a way to insure that Star Wars can carry on and appeal to today's modern generation of cyber bullies and depressed loners. Also, Karpovsky can get very meta with his narrative, which really helps.

What do you think? Am I any closer to picking the actual director than you guys are? I seriously feel that my chances are just as good as yours. If you take offense to these, please note that I hate your joke as much as you hate mine. Stop having /Film and AV Club fill up with pointless articles about rumors. It is really annoying.

Also check out more of my work at http://nerdseyeviewpodcast.blogspot.com/ where I have a podcast called Nerd's Eye View.