Not Another "Feet" Movie

By Thomas Willett

WARNING: The following is the opinion of the author regarding numerous topics. However, he is by no means an expert on the subgenre of films called penguin movies. While his facts may appear to have a passionate respect for the creatures, these are in no way subtle hints to imply that he is an activist. He’s just a 22-year-old writer with a 16 year relationship with penguins. Be aware that there may be spoilers regarding Happy Feet.

I tried not to do this. I really tried not to. I looked at all of my other options, which included a possible analysis on the popularity of cross-dressing movies (Jack and Jill, J. Edgar), the longevity of Clint Eastwood, or the Oscars finally making a smart move involving Brett Ratner (I’m sorry, but practice is legit no matter what you are). It was such a tough call to even cop out and do a round up of movies coming out between now and the end of the year. Even Andrew suggested doing a defense blog on Adam Sandler. I don’t know that he deserves one for anything but wrangling in Razzies nominee and star of Gigli, Al Pacino.

Yet, there is nothing that will be as infuriating this month than having to deal with Happy Feet Two. You may think Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is the king of terrible, but for me, nothing is making me groan more than Happy Feet Two. To put it in perspective, not even Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked is making me this upset (and I secretly pity Jason Lee’s career trajectory). The thought of “penguins” coming out in a trailer to an old Def Jam classic by LL Cool J called “Don’t Call it a Comeback” instigates not only one of the most overused comeback cliches, but set the animals back after Kim Possible’s “Naked Mole Rap” raised the hopes of youngsters everywhere (in fact, just watch Kim Possible).

So, what is it about penguins abusing LL Cool J songs that bother me? Let’s place some history into the context. Ever since I was in first grade, I had a love of penguins. It all started when we were assigned to read “Mr. Popper’s Penguins” by Richard and Florence Atwater. Call me impressionable, but that book changed my life. The main character, Mr. Popper, obtained these penguins and taught them to be perfect gentlemen. It was brilliant to think that you could turn animals into little men.

I’ve only read the book once, but it’s stayed with me. I fear revisiting it will cause a rapid change of opinion that I cannot live with. However, my love of penguins grew the following years. I researched different types of penguins, from the Gallapagos to the Emperor penguins. They are the most fascinating creatures I’ve known. Back when climate didn’t enter my consciousness, I dreamed of visiting Antartica just to study them. One year I even made a model of a penguin out of felt, styrofoam and a 2-liter bottle. I hope I still have it somewhere, because it’s one of the fondest images I have in my head.

What’s odd is that it’s transcended the years better than any other fad. I played the original Nintendo (with the cartridges) mostly for Tetris and to get 10% of the Super Mario Bros. game finished (I sucked). Pokemon came and went. Meanwhile, I was part of day care groups that took us to movies, including the Pebble and the Penguin, another fond memory from being a child that I hope to not revisit and instead just remember that naïve statement: “penguins can’t fly” (note: director Don Bluth has discredited his name from the project because he hated it).

Life continued, and it wasn’t until recent times that penguins came back. In 2006, it was a tale of two movies: March of the Penguins, a masterpiece by Luc Jacquet that inevitably won the Oscar that made me feel again for these creatures, with help from Morgan Freeman; one of my favorite narrators. Then, there was the other Oscar-winning movie (it beat Cars, though), Happy Feet. From the get-go, I was leery about this movie. I remember sitting in math class and someone saying in reference to the use of Grandmaster Flash’s “The Message” in the trailer, “Oh, a penguin rapping. That’s so cute.”

That comment continues to frustrate me as I hear that LL Cool J cover. In truth, I have a strong dislike for song covers in movies. That’s not right (Elliott Smith’s “Because” cover in American Beauty is amazing), I mean it mostly when it’s used excessively for niche. The worst offender of this is Across the Universe, a movie that lost me on the sole account that it sucked the life out of Beatles songs and turned it into pretentious hipster garbage with a backdrop equally up its butt. I feel this way about most movies that try to pass off other people’s work as their own. I feel that if Across the Universe had given their music personality like Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (screw you, that soundtrack is great), then maybe it would’ve been good.

Yet somehow when I finally got around to Happy Feet, something wicked stepped onto the screen. I remember distinctly feeling the hate brew early when they covered Prince’s “When Doves Cry.” I don’t know that I expect penguins to be silent, but making them sing bad covers just sucked the joy out of it. As the plot progresses and Mumble (Elijah Wood) discovers the power of music and dancing, it just got more offensive (Robin Williams’ terribly accented Ramon will go excused), ending in one of the dumbest ways possible: a zoo full of penguins teach the world to dance. Let’s face it, this is Footloose set to penguins.

So, what makes this movie so offensive to me? I feel that this is a terrible representation of penguins. While they have majority of the other dynamics correct, there is something very fake about them. The music is terrible. The bigger issue is similar to a newborn infant. That girl saying that rapping penguins are cute is no different than saying a baby is cute. Both are innocent and have no way of being offensive. Both are going entirely based on looks. Neither have any substance to offer you besides cheesy, expected gimmicks. This movie relies heavily on your perception of the artwork to make you love these penguins despite their lack of depth. In the end, you are least likely to remember the morals and instead remember those pathetic dance numbers.

The sequel doesn’t look to be much of an improvement. All it does is add other creatures, like walruses, to make the story more complex. Also, it’s the son of Mumble learning how to dance. If you want to watch penguins dance, just watch Mary Poppins. It correctly shows their capability and why making a dance movie involving hip-hop steps doesn’t work for birds with limited leg stretching. I’d like to imagine that there is added depth to the characters, but maybe that’s asking too much.

I bet you’re thinking that I’m just bashing on a kid’s movie that I don’t like. I’m simply saying that the Happy Feet franchise is based on bad interpretations of penguins. Where can you go for more entertaining penguin fare? Maybe Surf’s Up (I haven’t seen it), or Penguins of Madagascar (though I argue that they’re equally illogical in nature, their capabilities are more apt). What you need is actual characters, not cute faces and bad music. Also, don’t ever see Mr. Popper’s Penguins. It sounded good when Noah Baumbach was attached, but whoever did it deserves a smack.

Do I come across as a bitter old man? Did I just attack a movie because I didn’t like it? In truth, it’s more of a reflection of my life. I didn’t grow up with video games or comics. I have no reason to be offended that Ghost Rider wasn’t good. I grew up with a deep respect for penguins and hate to see them defamed into becoming dancing creatures without a real personality. Give them heart. Don’t just use them to tug on our visual heart strings. That’s cheap, and it makes me sad. I want some kid to be able to discover penguins and find the joy I found in them.

They may get it from Happy Feet, but it’ll just be another bastardization, a lie. At most, I can see the Penguins of Madagascar being the only possible gateway because they’re clever, smart, and capable; three things that made me love “Mr. Popper’s Penguins.” I never fell in love with the cute face without falling in love with the personality first. To me, that’s the most attractive feature of anything, and if you want to know why I love penguins, check out March of the Penguins. It’s as Citizen Kane as that genre gets.

You can read Thom’s blog every Wednesday and hear him on Nerd’s Eye View every Tuesday and Thursday at nevpodcast.com. You can also read Thom’s reviews on cinemabeach.com. Send your thoughts about penguin films to nevpodcast@gmail.com with “Not Another ‘Feet’ Movie” in the subject line.